Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A Beautiful Mind or an X-File?

One of my favorite films is Ron Howard's A Beautiful Mind, starring Russell Crowe as John Nash, one of the greatest mathematicians of the 20th century. Nash won a Nobel Peace Prize for his "Governing Dynamics" approach to economics. The film focuses more on Dr. Nash's mental illness and him overcoming that challenge. It was a really good film, although I was more moved by my own performance as James St. John Smythe in The Man From Manchester 3.

I digress.

When I saw A Beautiful Mind for the first time, I was totally blown away when it was realized that Nash's best friend and his employer did not really exist. They were made up in his mind as a result of his mental illness. Important people and the meaningful relationships he had had with them were suddenly gone. Afterwards he always questioned new people as to whether they were real or imagined.

I feel like that when it comes to my faith. Over the last 5 years, everything I have believed in is not what I once believed it was. Now I question everything and am afraid to trust in anything spiritual. I find myself unsure if I can ever believe in anything again. What if there is nothing to believe in, and faith is something we conjure up out of some inner need?

I am a huge fan of the X-Files. Agent Mulder (played by David Duchovny) has a poster behind his desk with the words, "I Want To Believe."

I can relate.

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